Hi guys, how you all doing?
Sorry I've been quiet for a little while. I've actually bee a bit under the weather and not feeling great. But I'm on the mend now.
Having a few days away has given me a bit of time to reflect on things though...
You guys keep saying you want to get to know me better hey? Well now you can listen to me rant a little lol :-)
So I love my work, I've been doing glamour modelling / videos / and now camming for years and years. It pays me well, when I get my arse in gear, and its a fun way to make money.
But at what price?
Future Work
Think about girls in the industry. We are not, except for very few, in any way famous. However you type our name into google and we're everywhere. So the notion of keeping your work a 'secret' is to be honest slightly delusional I think.
And that's all fine if you intend to continue working in this industry forever. But I'm really not sure someones going to pay to see me naked when I'm 60, neither am I sure I'm going to want to be showing people :-)
I am however sure I'm still going to need to be earning money at that age as a pension plan isn't standard in the porn industry!
So I think realistically about the future and I guess I need sooner or later to get a 'proper' job. And the prospects of that after doing this are affected massively by the 'google search' scenario I mentioned above.
Relationships
Well I guess this is a tricky one for a lot of us. Setting aside the fact that you would have to find someone comfortable with thousands of men having seen you naked etc, most (def not all) but a fair few of us in this industry have our own baggage. Its not what you might call a vocation. Many of us have got here down a twisted and bumpy road, so a slightly twisted and bumpy mindset may be expected? :-) I'm not really selling us as g/f material here am I lol? Don't get me wrong, many girls have great relationships. And there are men out there who really are cool and ok with this job. How about you? Could you honestly handle your g/f going on naked photo shoots? Or closing the bedroom door whilst she plays with herself for men on camera? Its a big ask.
Self Esteem
So, I'm not gonna lie, I totally get off on the compliments and positivity I get from viewers. And I will happily shake my ass and cleavage all day long if I know its being appreciated. And then I will turn off my cam and go do the washing up and think about my day, and muse at how nice all the fellas were, and how lucky I am that they find me attractive....and how looks don't last forever ....its not all about looks....well actually it totally is...and how one day I wont be able to attract any attention...selling my looks is all i really know...so when they are gone what's the future for me? Its a vicious circle back to the beginning again
So this is me, the real me, having a moan and sharing my thoughts. I'm not pitying myself, contrary to how that might have read. I'm not stupid now, nor was I when I got into this line of work. But maybe I didn't look at the long term prospects. Or maybe I did but as a naive 20 yr old I prob thought the future would take care of itself.
Next time you see me on cam or in a picture I will be smiling and it will be genuine because I love my work as much now as I ever have. But you wanted to know I was real and I am.
I hope I haven't depressed you all with this post! Please take it as an opportunity to get to know me a little bit better. My life is an amazing, wonderful adventure and I am so so lucky to have done and be doing some of things I get up to. I would not change it for toffee, and I really don't want to sound ungrateful. I'm sorry if I do :-)
( Maybe one day someone will write a folk or country song on this very subject 'A Pornstars Lament'. I will watch out for that, it will be a huge hit I reckon lol)
Yes...you write so well of life's trials and that of a girlie model in the industry which as industry's goes is probably a hard one to be in, very critical I guess and probably one in which people are always pushing for more from you. Flavour of the month at one time then not the next is how I imagine it to be. Your lament is naturally sad reading...but people in regular jobs face just the same things at times. I lost my little business, lost my job, lost my marriage to a wonderful woman and my family life as I treasured it to be. Two years later I bob at the bottom of the pile and it is really is hard to fix so many broken things all at the same time. I hope you keep positive. I have been a fan of yours for a while tho only recently came across your blog, facebook etc. You come across in such a lovely, natural way it is hard not to be touched and yet impressed with your openess and contact with your fans on here and on some of the picture web sites that you have also commented on. I note you have not been doing so recently..hope you do so soon when you feel stronger. Of course we follow you because of your lovely, sexy looks but what also comes across is a woman with a heart. It says a lot about you...and that is all good. Your thoughts on a relationship when as you say you go in another room and take your clothes off etc...well some men could hack it I suppose. My wife was very voluptuous, big boobs, butt etc and I think it would turn me on to know some one else was seeing her..the rub being..only that I would always want to know she loved me..and only me. I'd have been ok with that...I think..sadly she does n't love me anymore. I have posted elsewhere on here too..hope I and we all hear from you soon Lindsie. Yes I for one hope you continue your work and contact with your fans..you are great at it.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for taking the time to comment. Your posts are really nice to read, its lovely to hear back from someone. I'm sorry you've had trouble with your relationship. Its a rocky road this love thing :-)
ReplyDeleteI love the feedback and advice you have given me on your other post with regards looks for future pics etc. Its great to know what works for people. So Milf next door's a good look...i can do that xx
Well I sure hope you do....so glad you are back and feeling good. I'd love to come and see you and take a few pics...think it would be such a sexy experience.
DeleteWhat I forgot to say...it's a sexy experience hearing from you, never "spoke" to a glamour model before. Love you to post a pick just for me....ronnie x...great you are back.
DeleteHi Lindsey,
ReplyDeleteThat's a very thoughtful and thought provoking post. I remember Billy Connolly saying that, while he loved being a performer and appreciated all the opportunities and experiences his career had brought him, he would hate the idea of being famous without also being rich. He was thinking of people from reality TV, or folks who end up in the news and find their lives have changed without being able to earn enough to buy a big house on the Thames and insulate themselves against intrusions from press and public.
I guess being all over the internet from pics you posed for (and got paid for) back in 2003 is a kind of famous that can affect your life as you describe, without the compensation of also being rich. That stuff will probably still be out there for years and years, leaving you feeling like you can't put it behind you, even if you want to.
On the other hand, I think you're in a good position to carry on modeling and camming for a long time, if you want to. Your appeal was always 'womanly' and real which makes you a lot more age proof than some other models might be. Plus you will always have those amazing blue eyes. Looking at the recent pictures around here you look better now than you did 5 years ago - I wish I could say the same.
Ever read Kevin Kelly's '1000 true fans'? It's a very cool explanation of how to make a good living as any kind of performer in the internet age. It talks about the 'long tail' which is a way of describing how, say, Score can carry on making money from old pics of you. Kelly starts by saying that's all very well but it doesn't do you any good, then goes on to explain what you can do about it.
Hope this link works:
http://kk.org/thetechnium/archives/2008/03/1000_true_fans.php
No news on any of your contact sites....sad...and more than anything worrying....are you ok?
ReplyDelete